Have you ever been to therapy?

at Dream

I suppose you could say that I'm a portfolio worker.  What this means is, my time is split between various jobs that I do.  Part of the week I'm employed and then all the rest of the time I'm self employed as a artist, writer and creative coach. I don't necessarily call them 'jobs' but they're all projects.  I have been pondering on the word 'do' for a few weeks now since I started Beth Nicholls ecourse 'do what you love' which is hitting out some very tough questions.  The very first week we were asked not What do you want to do in your life?  But, how do you want to feel in your life?  Have you ever thought of this?

So, in my employed time, I work as a careers coach in an independent school in Liverpool and I also work in a health food shop, just me, on my ownsome, advising customers about vitamin and mineral supplements etc... and the other day I  am flicking through the March edition of "Your Healthy Living" magazine, and start reading an interview with Cindy Crawford.  We all know who she is right?  The interviewer asked her "have you ever been to therapy?"  I think that's a tad nosey but ok, I'm reading it, so this is how Cindy replies:   

"It's funny because I go to the homeopathic doctor and he's a great friend of mine, I walk in and he says, how happy are you on a scale from 1 to 10 and I say to him; Jim, my goal in life is not to be happy.  I don't need to be happy all the time, I need to feel.  First of all, you can't be happy all the time.  So if that's your goal, you're going to fail.  I just want to be present in whatever it is.  Even if it's the bad stuff.  I'm not afraid of rolling up my sleeves and talking..... I want to engage with whatever it is, good or bad.  I don't measure success by happiness or by things, I measure it by whether I was there"

Thump.  I felt hit by this very short paragraph.  I have read these words so many times over the last 20 odd years, in various forms.  But for some reason, on this day, this really made me go.  'Yes.  You're right Cindy.'  (believe me, I never thought I would be writing about Cindy C).  This article has been playing on my mind which is why I'm writing about it here. 

I had realised that pretty much all the time, I do have very high expectations of myself.   

I strive to be happy, to live a peaceful life, in a certain way and sometimes, it just doesn't happen that way.   If we could buy a measuring tool for happiness - I'm sure I'd find that what is being happy for one is not necessarily being happy for another.  If I'm not feeling whatever it is I need to feel, then I just surrender to it and say to myself 'It is, what it is'.

I thought I'd have lots of children by now and I don't have any.  Does that make me unhappy?  It does, Yes.  And yet, I'm working with this one and coming to terms with it.  I'm feeling it.  I can't measure my life against it.  I don't want to measure it against my happiness.  Does that makes sense?  Does it?

Who would have thought that a simple paragraph in a freebie health magazine would have sparked these thoughts.  It just goes to show that the written word is still incredibly powerful. 

Hope this makes sense.

Phew, you made it to the end.

Love

Jules xxx