My Lucy and The Squirrel's Message

I have held back from writing this blog post and in working out why, I realise that, to publish it, makes this post real and final.

I don't want that to be.  

But it is.

It has been such a heartbreaking time, as my lovely Lucy passed over on the 15th September.  It happened so quickly. Her health declined in one week, she was diagnosed with a dynamic heart murmur on Fri 7th September.

By Sat 15th she had gone.

It turned out that the murmur was not caused by heart disease but by tumours.  Now I look back and see that she had been dealing with the changes in her body and yet, there were no outward signs, up until Wed 5th when all night I was kept awake by her shallow breathing and I took her to an emergency vet as we were in Dorset.  On returning to Liverpool I took her for a second opinion to the Vet where I had taken her when she was a wee one, before the partners split and I made the choice to go with the other partner.  

Lucy was attacked by a Japanese Akita when she was 14 weeks old and ended up having surgery to remove a stomach tear.  I guess I am exceptionally lucky to have had my life with Lucy all these years when it could have been a whole different scenario.

I am getting some comfort from writing about Lucy - she was my child, we had gone through so much together, 14 years of joy - all joy.  I haven't been fortunate enough to have children in my life, Lucy was that baby and young child. She helped me through getting over my divorce, she moved with me everywhere, she made me get up in the morning, she came everywhere with me, my heart smiled when I was with her, and beamed when I knew I was going home to her.  I sang her my own little songs and had my own language with her.  She knew what I was saying and I knew what she was saying.  

We talked daily. 

We heard her each other.

I have never told anyone this.  

Not having her with me, physically, has blasted me open.

Since last June, when Lucy suffered from the Vestibular Attack, I have given her Reiki healing on a daily basis and the night before she passed, I spent all night with my hands gently placed in front of her, giving her Reiki and communicating with her. 

"I love you so much Lucy, it's alright if you need to go, Lucy"

"We've had such good times together, you'll always be in my heart"

"Let me know you're ok, come back and tell me?"

These past 2 weeks, I have written many words and cried lots of tears.  I know this will pass, I know that I will love another, but I won't love another Lucy because she was just uniquely cheeky and loving all wrapped up in an adorable furry package. 

Her dying is symbolic for a time in my life that has ended.  

It is symbolic for a new period in my life without her and what that means.

Losing her has reminded me of something, stirring within me.

Something I need to sit with for the next few weeks.

A week after Lucy passed, I left for work at 7.45, there's a tree outside our home on the wide paved area - Lucy loved this tree, we call it "Lucy's tree".  She always stopped here before we went anywhere else to do her wee, checking out the neighbourhood news.  

As I closed the front door behind me, a squirrel ran across the road and up the tree, about 3 feet, stopped, and looked at me, climbed up a little more, looked at me (I was standing sooooo still, looking at the squirrel) and then, with that, mr squirrel ran down the tree and back over the road.  

In the 6 and half years living here, there has never been a squirrel up that tree.

Never.

Ok, maybe I'm looking into this, but I feel that this is a sign that Lucy is ok, and somehow she wanted me to know that.  Lucy spent the majority of her life chasing squirrels, up trees. She never caught one, but she loved chasing them.  

All I had to say was

"Lucy, there's Cyril. Look!"

And she was off.

So Mr Squirrel had a message for me.  

Thank you Cyril.

L-R Lucy aged 3, 8, 9 & 11 

I have thousands of photos of Lucy of these past 14 years and these past 5, there's tonnes of video too... I love watching them, I feel close to her.  

I know this past year I have recorded so much more, because somewhere inside of me, I knew that our time was precious. 

I'll do something with them, if just for myself to go and meet with her, when I want to.

I have just found this of Lucy in May 2012.  We had a couple of beautiful weeks here in UK and I took Lucy somewhere she loved, Calderstones Park, it had a pond, and lots to explore.  Looking at her here, jumping on the tree logs, you wouldn't think there's something brewing.  But there was. 

A month after her Vestibular, her 13th birthday

The day before Lucy passed over, age 14 years 2 months.

You'll always be with me Lucy. This quote has meant alot to me recently:

"It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them.

And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart.

If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, 

and I will become as generous and loving as they are."

Much Love
Jules xxxx

Dear Lucy

I can't tell you how my heart feels to see you healing this week.  Day by day, you've shown me that you just want to be better and back to doing the things you can do.  For you it's about what you can do now, not what you can't do.  

So what if you can't sit up and beg anymore, because you fall over.

So what if you can't jump on your favourite chair and shloff on the top of it.

So what if you can't jump in the car by yourself.

These are all 'just things' ... the most important things are feeling ok and waking up, eating a lovely breakfast, taking a walk outside to greet the day, smell the flowers and walk on grass.  This is what you teach me every day.  To be grateful to do these things.

To stand by as the raspberries are being picked, so you can have some too.  

We visited a new holistic vet this week and we liked him.  He put his hand on your head to calm you as he listened to your heart and he said that we don't talk negative in his consulting room, we look at what can be done and what's good.  

We liked him.

I know you're enjoying the reiki healing that I'm giving you so I will continue to do this for you. 

My friend said something to me on the phone just now - a lesson she learnt from a vet-gone-by- When she was tearful about the sadness of her furry friend's health, he said... This isn't about you right now, it's about your pet... we must make sure that they feel a sense of strength from you as they look up to you as their guide.  

That's what I'm hopefully doing for Lucy. 

My Lucy

xxx

Painting in the Sunshine

I find if I am to paint then there's nothing quite having a block of time to spend, lost in colour.  I tend to have more than one painting on the go - sometimes I'll be finishing off one and I'll need to add some detail, perhaps another layer, then move on.  

This is how I spent my afternoon.  Today Will spent pretty much all day on the allotment and I de-camped and set up a table outside in the garden.  The sun was just gorgeous.  As a Leo, I love it.  So I took my little table, shlepped it outside, and then whatever paints I had at home.  I still have my studio over at my parents, tho' I find that I need to be more home based these days with work, clients etc... so I have to double up on art space.

I have been working on a commission and also finishing off my paintings so that I can make prints, and create some stock for my soon to be launched etsy shop.  Started making a design for my wedding invitation, which I thought would be a lovely Julesie thing to do.......More about this another time! 

I enjoyed being outside, catching the sun and deep in thought as I played with paint, colour, layers.   I have been reading my Kelly Rae Roberts book again which I just love and spent some time earlier going through her blog post timeline and how she started her art journey and where she is to this day.  It's inspiring and I must remember that it's possible for me too.  I'm doing quite alot of soul searching these past weeks about different aspects of my life.  Focusing on much journal writing, drawing and sketching, plus looking at how I can support my book coming out on 29th April.  Got to get my head round this and put some energy there in recording video.  Yikes!  

There's nothing quite like SunDrying!

My Muse and Painting Protector

Anyway I have found a great way to store my paints which was suggested by Melody Ross over at Brave Girls ... ingenious! I'll post that soon.

Happy Sundays 

and Mondays 

xxJulesxx

  

An Ode to the Dees

That's my Dees 
My furry baby 
She's a little Dee
A name coined
Twelve years ago
Dee meaning D
D meaning Darling
She's a Dees
A little Dees
My little darling
Always happy to just be
I love my little dees
She's the bees dees