I'm feeling off kilter today - there's a tingle in my stomach and an anxious feeling I just can't fathom.
I feel like an old fashioned metronome sitting on top of a piano, tick-tocking from side to side.
I chose a word for 2013, a word I wanted to incorporate into my life. That word was Alignment.
To Align - to come together in agreement or alliance.
I wanted to allow all I do to all come together in agreement, to aligner, from à ligne ‘into line.’
For me, alignment is about everything that is meant to get into line, that's meant to be there. Art, Healing, Writing. Consequently, the other things I do, will become less prominent.
So what is this off kilter feeling all about?
Today, I feel rushed and panicked and as if everything is spiralling out of control.
There's something wobbly about today.
Is anyone else feeling this?
I have got a tonne of marking to do, which I'm feeling stressed about. It's my main source of income and one that I am very grateful for, yet the deadlines every week are tough and I find that when they're released, I then worry am I going to get them done? I do them at all sorts of time of the day, trying to make sure I can get the bulk done. Every day I wake up thinking I have 'statements to mark'. It's the first thing that pops into my head. They have to take priority, when my heart wants to create, draw, heal and write.
Last night I revealed my etsy shop to the world. (well Facebook, at least!)
I woke up this morning to find that I have had two sales. I was so, so excited.
Today I cocked up on a drawing. I was so keen to be "Miss Perfect" that I smudged the face and had to start all over again when she was all ready and finished.
So why the wobble? Surely I should be on cloud 9.
Sitting here this morning before I began anything, I wrote:-
"There's a part of me that's saying 'what the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you have enough to do? Having a shop. Pah! Who do you think you are?'
There's so much going on here.
I'm getting closer to my authenticity and it's sending me into the wobbles.
The ego self is trying to pull me back down.
Keep me safe.
I feel Scared and Excited
Hassled and Calm
In trying to work this out, I realise that I'm touching upon my hearts' desire
and yet I still have so much else to do that doesn't resonate with this hearts' desire.
But I have to do it.
What is going on?
I want to write yet I don't find time to write
I have a third book inside ready to come out
It has bubbled away for 3 years now.
Yet I don't seem to find this time.
Days merge into nights.
Work days merge into weekends.
There's no shut off time.
I find little time for exercise or getting outside.
Connecting with nature.
I see photos of beaches, skies and mountains
My heart yearns to be near them.
I eek out time for friends and family.
Yet it's not enough.
I stare at a screen for the most part of the day.
Dear Miss Julia
There is no solution right now.
You don't have to know the answers
You just have to let this out
Right here, right now
So you can wash it off
When you press 'Publish'
PS now go play ♥